Little Words With Big Meanings

I Love You. Three little words I would use to describe how I feel about you.

I'm Sorry. Two little words I find myself saying a lot lately to you.

Goodbye. One little word I'd never thought I'd have to say, especially to you.

How could one little word carry an infinite amount of weight. "Goodbye" feels like hardly the right words to say, how "good" can this "bye" be when it leaves me utterly missing you? I don't know even where to begin. It seems like a whirlwind of events has transpired since the first day we've met, doesn't it? I can still remember moving to the city this time last year from California. For better or for worse, you were such an integral part of my life since then. You were my constant when my world around me was shaky and unpredictable. And if I had to define New York, your name would surely appear somewhere in this definition because I don't know a New York without you.

I can't believe that our chapter together is coming to an end. We walked the same path together for almost a year and now have we come to that point where the path splits in two, the one on the right with your name and the one on the left with mine? If I think about how we drove each other crazy, it makes sense that we'd part ways. But then I remember the way we used to laugh... laugh so hard we could hardly breathe and our tummies would ache. I don't ever remember laughing so hard with anyone but you.

You didn't always get me, and i didn't always get you, but still we loved each other. I'm sorry for the words i never said, and for those that i wish i could take back. I'm thankful for the way you loved me even in the midst of my ugliness.



The thought of an absence of you pains me

Extroverted Introvert?

The path to self discovery is a constant process. At times I feel as if I have a good understanding of who I am... but then I will do something completely out of character which makes me take a step back and question myself. I'll think to myself, "Wow, where did that come from?"

I'll start psychoanalyzing myself to shreads. (It doesn't help that I'm currently studying to be a psychoanalyst.) This process could be self destructive if you don't when to stop.

One thing that I have realized about myself is that I thrive off of relationships. Relationships with my family, my girlfriends, my guy friends, a significant other (when applicable), and even random strangers. Someone once asked me a while back if i was an extrovert or an introvert. Before answering I asked, "How do you know?" He simply asked me, "When do you feel the most recharged, when you're surrounded by people or when you are alone?" Hmm... I thought about it for a while. I love being around people and if you know me, people will often call me the social butterfly. However I don't feel recharged around myriads of people, in fact I may feel drained if anything. So I concluded that I was an introvert. I like to reflect in the solitude of my own bedroom as I get lost in my own head.

More recently, I realized that I cannot be alone for long periods of time. Too much time in my own head is never a good idea. I finally figured out when I feel the most recharged... and that is after spending good quality time with just one person (whether friend, family member, or anyone that I connect with).

Please Press Pause...

I wish i took more time to just pause for a minute. I have been out here in New York for almost a whole year now and I feel like this is the first time that I've actually taken time to stand still in the moment. To think about things with perspective. I've been running around the city like a chicken with it's head cut off. It's so easy to get caught up in the moment and before you know it another year has passed by. What the hell was I doing this whole time? Life here in this city can be so dangerous, there is so many things to see, do, hear, and eat. I forgot how much I cherish these moments alone in my room left with nothing but my thoughts.

In a city where you are surrounded by so many people all the time, its ironically very easy to feel lonely. To drown in the deep city lights of new york... a city where i feel perpetually lost and at home at the same time.

As I reflect back on this year I can easily think of a millions good times I've had, and with the same ease I can also think of the not so good times. As much as I am happy about what I have accomplished here this past year, I am also full of regret. Regret of how much time I've wasted in this beautiful city. True to form, I am always full of duality, a contradiction in the flesh.